Something I've been working on believing finally clicked in my head yesterday--I am capable. I'd lost sight of that after too many summers with too much on my plate and never seeming to be able to keep up. Yesterday, though, was one of the best days I've had in a long, long time as I felt the support of my Heavenly Father and I really embraced my own power and I felt so so SO ready to take on the world.
Today I went to the rheumatologist to get some joint pain checked out and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
I felt like all my capability got hit by a truck. Discovering this new invisible disability threw it into sharp relief. Every ache I've ignored over the last few months came back with a vengeance once I realized that they really are always there. The pains in my hands and feet I'd gone into get looked at got even worse. I went home and asked around to my friends who I knew would be my fibro buddies about what to do now. I read up on spoon theory as a way to explain to other people what it's going to be like. I took a nap to ignore the pain and emotional shock. I went to work as scheduled and I spent a lot of it trying not to cry. I got through with tender mercies of visiting friends and a really comforting thought that might take another little bit to process--I am still capable.
God knew what was wrong with me long before this, and He's still blessed me with the assurance that I can still do a lot with my life. I can get through my last few weeks at work, I can finish school in the fall, heck, I can still probably go on a mission next year! It's just going to be harder than I had thought. Harder, but not impossible. And maybe not even that much harder, depending on how quickly I can build an effective treatment plan. I'm still nervous/bummed out, but I know that I'm going to be okay in the long run.
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