Happy Moments

Yesterday I reconnected with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. (Well, we've been keeping track of each other. She's got a cute blog.) As we talked and went for a cupcake run and discovered quirks we didn't know we had in common, I remembered why we're friends.

Expectation≠Reality.

At the beginning of this summer I was anxious about the decisions I had made. I had so desperately wanted to stay in Rexburg to work and live with friends. But after praying, fasting, pleading, and applying for a few jobs, I knew in the depths of my soul that I belonged in California for the summer. And in the family ward, no less! So I did what I knew was right, hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

The other day, I was reading back in my journal when I came across a note I made at a class I attended at Women's Conference: "The plan that the Lord has for me is a lot better than what I could have planned for myself." I laughed. I knew that was right when I wrote it down, but now I really know and feel just how true this is. I planned for one full time job and maybe the occasional outing with friends--like last summer, but without the crushing depression.

What I got was my old part-time job back. Opportunities to serve. An internship at Upland City Hall--I start as soon as they finish my background check. The hardest calling I've ever had. Long and frequent visits with sweet new friends. My life at this point is so beyond what my wildest hopes for it were as I left Rexburg. I'm so blessed. And I've got a feeling that it will only get better.

Okay, I haven't been completely honest about my summer.

I loved my job. I really did. But spending so much time by myself and my inability to handle stress  made me feel awful. I was doing great at work, but I still felt like I was failing, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it. That's when I got my sunburn. It didn't help the depression. Nope. Made it worse. I got behind and my body couldn't keep up with my brain or my to-do list. and my stress kept going up and up. It was a minor miracle I got out of bed and went to work every morning. A bigger one when I got caught up or made it through the day without crying. I moved back in with my parents about a month after the scary thoughts started.  But I didn't feel any better. I started getting up earlier to work longer hours, but I could never keep up. I was still alone. I stopped eating. My work got worse and the pressure kept building. I never told anyone but my dad what was really going on because I was ashamed. I thought it was pathetic that I couldn't keep up because I was stressed and sad. I thought that I should have been stronger than that, you know? I still don't think it's a good excuse.

Now that my workweek is under 50 hours and I have roommates again, I'm doing a lot better. I really am.  And you know? This summer really was a blessing to me. I earned enough money to pay for my own school this semester. I made good friends in an amazing ward. I got to know my Savior better. Hopefully, I grew up a little bit.

More Lists

Mistakes I've Made So Far Today

• Sleeping in.

• Trying to uninstall/reinstall Chrome, hoping it would solve all the problems I've been having with it.

•  Not wearing gloves.

• Going to the Crossroads at 12:30.

Things I'd Rather Be Doing (As opposed to what I am doing)

• Reading. I've got Green Lantern comics, Jesus the Christ, Mansfield Park waiting for me at home. (I have reading to do for American Foundations and International Relations.)

• Sitting on the couch with a blanket and hot herb tea, watching the lovely gray day. (I'm doing homework in the library.)
• Family history research--I think I've finally found the elusive Barkowskis. (I'm "actively listening" and writing down what I hear on the radio for a mini-project.)
• Going to California. (It's supposed to snow tomorrow.)

Things I Should Be Doing (And Why)

• Not complaining. (I go to an awesome school, I have good teachers, I have friends and roommates that love me, I have a family who supports me, the temple's a ten minute walk away, and I live in the United States of America. Oh, and there's brownie batter waiting for me at home.)
• Getting back to work (I have a bit to do today.)

Lessons I Learned (or Re-Learned) This Summer

1. When there's a job to do, get it done. 
2. That said, it's still crucial to eat three meals a day and get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. Even when you think you're too stressed out to do either.
3. Crying is not a sign of weakness.
4. You don't need a whole lot of things. They cost money.
5. Singles wards are going to have their awkward moments. Embrace them--they'll be great stories to tell later.
6. Handle situations like a mature adult. 
7. Living alone isn't that great.
8. Daydreaming about the impossible is fine as long as you can understand and accept the impossibility.
9. The Atonement isn't just for sins, but for sickness, sorrow, and pain.
10. For the love of all that's holy, wear sunscreen.

Sometimes We Need a Reminder.

                                      ffffound