Talking About It

I want you to think about something very carefully before you continue to read this and as you respond to this. I'm trusting you with some very sensitive and important information about my life and my thoughts about it. If you can handle that, keep on reading. If not, please leave. Thank you.

A year ago today I was feeling very confident that my life was only going to get better. I was about to leave for my third year of school, I was seeing a boy I was crazy about, and I was finally going to get treatment for my depression.

Yes, that's right. Depression. I'm talking to you about it because the only thing worse than suffering from depression is trying to pretend it's not there. It worsens the pain and intensifies the loneliness. I'm trying to get you to understand a bit of me that I'm trying to improve upon. It's not a gloom that will dissipate with some "cheering up." It's not a lack of gratitude or satisfaction for and with my life. I want the stigma of depression as a disease to go away. I want your support, and keeping it a secret won't get me that.

Since high school, maybe even junior high, my default mood seemed to be sad and lonely, even when I had no reason to be. I didn't have energy and motivation expected of me. My grades were not as good as they could have been. I would spend hours crying and trying to figure out why. Once home for my first summer in college, it escalated to feelings of uselessness, of unloved and unworthy. My work slipped and I ate only when I felt I deserved to. I even had a plan. I had to move back in with my parents to keep myself from spiraling any further down, but I didn't improve much. I went back to school having promised my mom I would seek help. I was too proud to keep that promise then.

I did alright for the next year. I muddled through as I had before, with the sadness just being a part of me. But the crying started again when I came home last summer. It happened more frequently and with an intensity that kept my brothers awake in the other rooms. By the end of the summer, I finally had an appointment to deal with it. I had decided that I would take them for a little while, just until I got into better habits of taking care of myself, and poof! I would be cured.

My doctor asked a few questions about the nature of my depression (there's a spectrum, you know) and gave me a sample of something he promised would help me. And it did. I took those samples for about a month, and I felt great. I stopped hating myself, even when the boy I was crazy about broke up with me in an hour of crisis. But then switched to a cheaper, generic version of those same meds. They made me so sick. I dealt with that for a month before that misery got to be enough to switch again (causing me to miss the two assignments that kept me from an A in one of my favorite classes--and I did poorly in my other classes as well). This one wasn't quite right, either.

This summer I came home to a new antidepressant that I think is working pretty well, as well as an anti-anxiety drug. But I still had many, many radically "down" days. The anti-depressants don't magically make me happy. They lighten the mood enough for me to try to get things done. Most of the time. (And let me tell you, I am going to be on them for much longer than I had expected.) But this summer, I found myself despondent again. I failed my online classes. I didn't much feel like socializing. I just wanted to sleep and read and watch TV. I had no appetite and sometimes an physical revulsion toward food. And I hated that feeling. It's taken a lot of prayer and tears and priesthood blessings, but I made it through.

It's been a very hard year for me, and it might be the first of many. I don't know if it's something I'll ever be able to overcome in this lifetime, but I am certainly going to do the best I can. I believe that this trial, just like everyone else's, is meant to help me learn to depend on Christ and gain a better understanding of His Atonement. I don't know what the causes of my depression are (I know it's not because I'm a bad person--I know that I'm not), but I do know that I'm on Earth now for a purpose, and I know that if I can stay faithful to the Gospel I know to be true, my Heavenly Father won't let depression stand in my way.

On Suddenly Having No Plan

Okay, so y'all are nosy and want to know about my hard times. I change what I want to do for the rest of my childless life all the time. After my most recent idea (history/civics teacher, then school administrator) lost its savor, there was nothing that replaced it. There still hasn't.

 This has me in a bit of a panic. I know lots of things that I don't want to do--like work in a quiet office, run my own business from home, or work  for someone who thinks I should devote my whole life to my job. I love my studies, but the incivility of "actual" politics makes me so sad and angry and uncomfortable, so that might not be much of an option, either.

I was really upset about not having a plan. I thrive on making plans and lists so that I know what to to do. But now I don't and that lack stressed me out to the point of anxiety. I couldn't even go to the temple about it because I started crying before I could even get on the freeway and had to turn around before I got into an accident. But I've come to understand in the past few days that right now, it's okay to only have a plan for the next three years (graduate next year, then serve a mission). It really is. Apparently it's okay to not have your life figured out at almost 21. I'm still having a hard time internalizing it, but it'll all be okay, and I'll know what to do when I need to do it. I just know it.                                                                                  

Accomplishments of Fall Semester (So Far)

• I got a Pell Grant!
• Chelsea and I watched all six seasons (or series, as they call them in Britain) of Doctor Who in about two months. 
• I went to the BYU Law Fair and learned that I can earn a JD and a MPA at the same time. Tempting.
• I secured more convenient housing for next semester.
• I'm reading for pleasure again...and bought more new books than I should be comfortable reading. (SIX.)
• I really like all my classes. (Sometimes it's a statement, sometimes it's a reminder.)

• I'm taking pictures I can be proud of. Like this one!
• The side effects of my medicine (read: constant nausea and occasional lightheadedness) haven't killed me yet. 
• I'm a Relief Society teacher, which is my very favorite calling.
• I was a glam zombie.
• Rachel and I arranged a marriage between my brother John and her sister Sari. Just don't tell them, okay?
• I dropped my phone in milk last week. And I can still use it!

Replacement Words

Once upon a time, I was an angry punk kid with a sailor mouth. Over time, I realized that foul language wasn't as mature or funny as I thought, so I started using other phrases. (I was still an angry punk kid, mind you.) I'm not angry anymore, but I still use some of my innocuous "replacement words."My mom hates them. They start with the same first letter, so they're naturally equivalent in every way. 

But hey, at least I'm not going around calling people "Nintendos."

I miss my brothers.

Odd Literary Cravings

You know what I really want to read? 

Don't judge--I'm not expecting it to be a great American novel; but I do want to read something light and silly. Plus, I'm genuinely curious to see if Snooki can write. There may actually be some talent underneath that pouf. Think about it--lots of great writers were drunks. 

I Love Thursdays.

Thursday is when I usually put my life back together. After a crazy week, I finally have a little time to clean and organize and breathe. It was especially so today because I've been sick and needed to catch up on homework and wash my hair for the first time in a few days.

The moon was full and gorgeous tonight. Noelle dubbed it a love-moon because it's not harvest time and it's my celebrity boyfriend's birthday.

I'm still not feeling great, but it's been a great day. 

Crap. I still have school tomorrow. Arrrgh.

Tag.

My lovely friend Ryanne (who was supposed to be my roommate my first semester, but wasn't) tagged me, so now I get to tell you fifteen interesting things about myself. Or try to, at least.

1. I have a Saturday Night Live clip for almost any situation.

2. I'll take sleep over food about 80% of the time.

3. After taking International Relations and Comparative Politics, I realize that I cannot wait to study American politics again.

4. I performed in Carnegie Hall my senior  year of high school.

5. The most recent nicknames I've received are Brookie Baby (from Raelene), Brookalinda (from Chelsea), and Brookachu (from Beth, but Noelle made it up).

6. The older I get, the shyer I become.

7. It really bugs me when people talk smack about the French because one of my best friends is French and she's the one of the coolest people ever.

8. To say I enjoy Jones Soda is almost an understatement. I put every bottle on the windowsill because they're so pretty. There's not too many, considering that I started that in September...

9. I'm going on a police ride-along tomorrow, and I'm really quite excited about it.

10. I've got an opinion for just about everything.

11. I will kick your butt at Jeopardy! You have to put the exclamation point at the end of it because that's part of the name.

12. I think my cut-down-on-sugar resolution is stupid and I will probably make cookies or brownies tomorrow.

13. I watch Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat almost every Sunday. I have it memorized. Even the colors.

14. I'm thinking of naming my iPhone Dean.

15. I like Al Jazeera.

So if you're Beth, Gigi, or Bonnie, consider yourself tagged.

What's the Word for When You're Opinionated in a Good Way?

I'm taking a journalism class this semester. Today we had a discussion about the core principles of what defines journalism. We briefly talked about how journalists should keep their opinions to themselves, and some don't even vote to try to stay unbiased. As a political science major, that hurt my soul a little bit. 

I have a lot of opinions and I enjoy discussing and sharing them. I could more easily become a Catholic nun than keep them to myself as part of a full-time job. It made me kind of glad that it's only a cluster (half a minor), but this will definitely be my most challenging class this semester. As much as I like it, I have a hard enough time writing in general, but long impartial news stories? It's a daunting task and I'm terrified of it. 

But I suppose college is about stepping outside your comfort zone to grow and stretch and become better at something you enjoy. So I will, for these few classes, set aside my tendency to make quick judgement calls and unhealthy desire to always be right for the sake of journalistic integrity. Then I can go back to my major and argue ideology and policy to my little heart's content. 

Christmas Vacation 2010

 We started Christmas off right--by going to Disneyland and getting annual passes! My parents and I surprised Jared & Noah. It was pouring down rain and we left early, but it was still fun and we're looking forward to going again and again and again (in better weather.) We took this picture in the parking structure.

 Christmas Eve brought the annual California Taylor family Christmas Pageant. It's always tough to cast. No one wants to be a wise man. 

They want to be sheep.

 Or the donkey.

Or the hay in the manger.

 The most coveted part, is of course, the innkeeper.

 But we always end up with a Mary and a Joseph. It's a cute tradition.

 We always get jammies for Christmas. Yep. Those are black and white camo print footie pajamas. They're awesome. Mine are way too big. 

 We got an ice cream maker! I'm so looking forward to using it. All the experiments we did before I left were the best I've had in a long time. And I was working at Baskin-Robbins.

It's probably because we're not just relying on the recipes that came with the machine...

The older kids all got iTunes cards in our stockings, so I got Paul Anka's album Rock Swings. It's big hits from the 80s and 90s in a swing style. It includes one of the best covers of Wonderwall I'm going to find. (Thanks for the tip, Rachel!)



Other non-holiday activities of mine included work, spending the night with my good friend Jenny, a rediscovery of my cat allergy, shopping and dinner with my favorite Yalie, and accidentally seeing a rated-R movie. (I was sure it was PG-13 at the time, I promise!)

It's A Good Kind of Obsessed, I Promise.

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm kind of obsessed with my family. I talk about my brothers all the time and it probably bugs people but I don't care. I think my parents are super cool (even when things like this happen) and call them whenever I have a question about anything. 

But it's not just my immediate family.

This is my great-great grandmother (on my Opa's mother's side) and her children. I love doing family history research and finding out where my family comes from. (Fun fact: The Barkowskis came from Russia!)

But it's not just my ancestors. 

I don't have adequate pictures, but let me put it this way. I'll just use my dad's side of the family as an example. My dad has four older brothers and a sister. Between all them, I have twenty cousins--twelve older, eight younger. Few things make me happier than catching up with my cousins. One of the highlights of my summer was having the longest conversation I've ever had with my cousin Lauren. I ADORED having cousins close by earlier this year, and I love that all my older cousins keep getting married to cool people (some of whom I still need to meet in person)! My newest cousin-to-be Jessica just arrived in the States this week from Brazil and I'm so excited for her and Andrew to get married next month. I'm even considering going to Denver next summer because I'll have cousins there.

I'm going to stop now before I go overboard. My family is rad.
Let's leave it at that.

Okay, I haven't been completely honest about my summer.

I loved my job. I really did. But spending so much time by myself and my inability to handle stress  made me feel awful. I was doing great at work, but I still felt like I was failing, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it. That's when I got my sunburn. It didn't help the depression. Nope. Made it worse. I got behind and my body couldn't keep up with my brain or my to-do list. and my stress kept going up and up. It was a minor miracle I got out of bed and went to work every morning. A bigger one when I got caught up or made it through the day without crying. I moved back in with my parents about a month after the scary thoughts started.  But I didn't feel any better. I started getting up earlier to work longer hours, but I could never keep up. I was still alone. I stopped eating. My work got worse and the pressure kept building. I never told anyone but my dad what was really going on because I was ashamed. I thought it was pathetic that I couldn't keep up because I was stressed and sad. I thought that I should have been stronger than that, you know? I still don't think it's a good excuse.

Now that my workweek is under 50 hours and I have roommates again, I'm doing a lot better. I really am.  And you know? This summer really was a blessing to me. I earned enough money to pay for my own school this semester. I made good friends in an amazing ward. I got to know my Savior better. Hopefully, I grew up a little bit.

More Lists

Mistakes I've Made So Far Today

• Sleeping in.

• Trying to uninstall/reinstall Chrome, hoping it would solve all the problems I've been having with it.

•  Not wearing gloves.

• Going to the Crossroads at 12:30.

Things I'd Rather Be Doing (As opposed to what I am doing)

• Reading. I've got Green Lantern comics, Jesus the Christ, Mansfield Park waiting for me at home. (I have reading to do for American Foundations and International Relations.)

• Sitting on the couch with a blanket and hot herb tea, watching the lovely gray day. (I'm doing homework in the library.)
• Family history research--I think I've finally found the elusive Barkowskis. (I'm "actively listening" and writing down what I hear on the radio for a mini-project.)
• Going to California. (It's supposed to snow tomorrow.)

Things I Should Be Doing (And Why)

• Not complaining. (I go to an awesome school, I have good teachers, I have friends and roommates that love me, I have a family who supports me, the temple's a ten minute walk away, and I live in the United States of America. Oh, and there's brownie batter waiting for me at home.)
• Getting back to work (I have a bit to do today.)

The Skin Chronicles

I grew up with a firm belief in my own beauty. I remember being asked to sum myself up in two words in 1st, maybe 2nd grade. I chose "smart" and "pretty." When I was nine, I began to break out. I didn't notice. I knew that acne was just what comes with adolescence. My mom bought me a lot of products to try to help, and I thought they worked okay. I knew that acne was just what comes with adolescence. I had no clue why it was such a big deal or why my doctor started prescribing stronger stuff. I really, truly did not understand how bad it was. 

2006

It got to the point where we had to bring out the referral papers and I started seeing a dermatologist. I went on Accutane in late 2006. When my skin started to clear, I realised how bad it had been before. 

2006 (photo by Jill Rich Photography)

2007

Then I  knew I was pretty.

About a six months after my last dose of Accutane, I began to break out again. I went through the same process all over again, complete with another six months of Accutane. It was harder this time around because I knew what I was "supposed" to look like. 

2008

My acne left a little more scarring this time around, and it didn't stay perfect for as long. But it's never gotten as bad since.

2009 

(Dang, I look like my mom here!)

Now I deal with adult acne by actually taking care of myself. (Ya hear that? I'm an adult.) This works pretty well. I'm also going to try a DIY egg white mask I saw on the internet. I don't even know if I'm going to post this. But I do know what even with my less-than-perfect skin, I'm still pretty.

July 2010

five and twenty

My friend Nikki tagged me in a Facebook thing, saying to post 25 random things about you and tag 25 more people. I can't bring myself to do that kind of post there, so I'll do it here!

1. I've known Nikki since 5th grade. She's incredible and I'm glad we're still friends!

2. Last semester I told my parents and grandmother that I was engaged to pull a prank. My mom flipped out, my grandma just laughed (she knows me too well), and my dad was totally excited. That scared me. "Dad, I'm too young to get married!" "No you're not." "But you're supposed to the one most opposed to me getting married before I'm 25!" (Seriously, someone get that man's head checked.)

3. My most favorite guy names ever are Seth, Thomas, Sam, Andy, Dan, Scott and Dean. (Dean was recently added to the list and Sam's moved up to the "most favorite" list from the "really like that name" list--see #4.)

4. I'm addicted to Supernatural. (Thanks Chelsea!) Attractive young men fighting evil? How can I resist? I like Sam best--six feet, four inches of oh-my-goodness! And his teeth are so white and he's such a good guy! (As of the end of season 2, anyway.) But Dean (six feet, one inch of oh-my-goodness--and that jaw!)--I totally get the overprotective older brother moments. I do the same thing for my brothers...on a much less life-or-death scale, of course. They take their turns as my desktop picture.

5. I totally want to learn the dance from the Bad Romance music video.

6. I've been reading the same novel since March and I'm not done with it yet.

7. (I'm pretty sure I overuse parentheses.)

8. Helena from A Midsummer Night's Dream is my favorite Shakespeare character. I can relate. At one point I had her first monologue memorized. "Call you me fair? That fair again unsay, Demetrius loves your fair!" And so on.

9. I think I may be a tad more of a feminist than I'm comfortable with.

10. I'm trying really hard to come up with positive things for this.

11. My brother Dallin is my very best friend.

12. I'm going to have a hard time picking bridesmaids because most of my best friends are guys.

13. However much I deny it, I know I'm gonna get married someday.

14. I finshed writing a song on Thursday that I started when I was sixteen.

15. I have a love/hate relationship with film photography.

16. Today, my dream job is Supreme Court Justice.

17. My favorite conference are the ones that mention history between 100 AD and 1800, and the ones that talk about democracy. (Like Elder Cook's today!)

18. I would have a really hard time dating a guy with the same name as my dad or brothers. (Chris, Dallin, John, Jared, Noah. Especially Dallin.) It would be weird.

19. I love playing matchmaker.

20. My favorite part of Vogue is the perfume samples.

21. I have a soft spot for cute asian boys in skinny jeans.

22. Quelque fois je pense en francais.

23. I'm writing a memoir about my summer. I can't do more than a page at a time because it makes me cry to think about it for too long.

24. I can't believe I have family I've never met in person, or have only met once. (I'm lookin' at you, Texas Taylors!)

25. I just found out that I have a ride home for Thanksgiving!

Lessons I Learned (or Re-Learned) This Summer

1. When there's a job to do, get it done. 
2. That said, it's still crucial to eat three meals a day and get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. Even when you think you're too stressed out to do either.
3. Crying is not a sign of weakness.
4. You don't need a whole lot of things. They cost money.
5. Singles wards are going to have their awkward moments. Embrace them--they'll be great stories to tell later.
6. Handle situations like a mature adult. 
7. Living alone isn't that great.
8. Daydreaming about the impossible is fine as long as you can understand and accept the impossibility.
9. The Atonement isn't just for sins, but for sickness, sorrow, and pain.
10. For the love of all that's holy, wear sunscreen.

Things You Probably Already Knew But I'm Going to Tell You Anyway.

1. The new blog name comes from a rarely used nickname of mine: Batgirl. My initials are BAT, so it's all logic from there.

2. I am not  a natural redhead.

February 2006, a few months before I dyed it for the first time.

But I like to play with it.

This is me as of today. It looks brown in this picture, but it's actually more like this.

3. I've always hated USC.

4. This is the first year I haven't gone to Girls Camp since 2002. And I'm okay with that.

5. I know more about how elections work than the 35-ish looking guy I saw at the polling place last week. (I voted for the first time. :D ) He was registered Democrat and asked the little old polling lady why Meg Whitman wasn't on his ballot. I stayed quiet while the LOPL gave a poor explanation of primaries, which probably led him to believe that this is the only time you can vote for governor. Poor guy. Well, since Whitman won the Republican primary (take that, Dad!) he can vote for her in November (unless he likes Jerry Brown better.)

The Pros and Cons of Living Alone

 Pro:

• I'm not very likely to have psycho roommates. (Never had one before, but it's always a concern.)
• I can make up embarrassing choreography to Lady Gaga songs without being judged. 
• I can listen to and appreciate Lady Gaga music without being judged.
• I don't have to consider anyone else's preferences, allergies, or schedule when making meals.
•  The only people who around the house are people I invited and therefore want to be there.
• I don't have to share a bathroom.
  

Con:

• I have to go out of my way for human interaction. (Because putting it that way doesn't make me sound like a jerk.) 

An Apology and a Celebration

I've noticed that I've been using this blog to complain. This means that I'm probably been complaining out loud to my friends and family. My bad, you guys. I'm going to stop it.

Besides, how can I complain during times like these?

 

With Sam and Erin in Salt Lake this weekend, Jenna and I have been having little adventures.Jenna keeps wearing her red-and-black Vegas High Wildcats gear and Sugar-Salem fans mistake her for a Madison student and yell strange and offensive things at us as we walk. But the guy at Jack in the Box must've thought we were cute or something because he upgraded our curly fries. That's a plus.

i

image via
All this collaboration between Beyoncé and Lady Gaga is very exciting. In the video for "Telephone," Gaga calls Beyoncé "Honey Bee." That's what my friend Kasey calls me. I really wish that we could be in the same city for Halloween, because that gives me an awesome idea.

Upon re-discovering this newspaper article in my iPhoto library, I may be able to jump the wall I've hit in my family history quest. 

 I recently found a great way to chop onions without crying.

I found a good online photo editor so I can do fun things like this.

I can still use the teapot that I accidentally melted to the burner last week.

 

I'm doing way better in school than I thought I was, I successfully dyed my own hair (just a touch up), and I can put the pictures on my phone online again. Life is pretty darn good.

Hysteria is a Symptom of Spring Fever.

I had always been under the vague impression that when Spring came, you would wake up one day to a warm green world, a little rain, and that snow just kind of disappeared.

Nope. Thanks for lying to me, California.

This much snow melts slowly and it floods the sidewalk. The grass underneath it is brown and dead.

I've found that Spring is a bit like adolescence. It's totally different than what you expect. Things are changing at a crazy pace and you're not sure what's going to happen next. You start shaving your legs. Under the right conditions, you want to wear as little clothing as possible.

I will admit that I'm being a tad obsessive about Spring, but this Winter is just driving me up a wall! When I left devotional today to find it snowing, I totally lost it. Maybe you heard me.

"Spring starts in March! WHY is it snowing? I hate seasons!" 

"Spring starts March 20," explained Jenna.

"Shhhh. It's March."
 At this point I realized how loud I was when a lady passing by sweetly told us about how when she got married at the end of April and it snowed that day. I quieted down after that. (Yes, I can be a bit of a drama queen...but you haven't seen anything until you've met my youngest brothers!)  I went home, changed into something warmer than a dress, and looked out the window. More snow. I had had my fair share of outrage for the day, so I just tried to ignore it. Thank goodness for the Rexburg blog. It reminds me why I didn't stay home.