Life Planning and the Accompanying Stress

image is mine.

When I was a senior in high school, I wasn't too worried about college and the whole process of applying and getting in.  I knew I wanted to go to a church school and just did what it took to go to one. Meanwhile, my friends stressed out, did tons of research, and prepared for the SAT as if their citizenship depended on it.

Now I understand.


If all goes according to plan, I'll graduate from BYU-Idaho in July 2013. That's 16 months away. I want to get my MPA after that--but where? Now I'm doing what my peers did looking for an undergrad program--trying to figure out where I'd like to live and study, where the good programs are, and how much each place would cost. I've also learned that I need to start studying for the GRE three months ago.

But as I've looked around, I've been excited. I know any program will be expensive, but I'm willing to do what it takes to further my education. And I'm still working on where to apply, but here's my short list.

• BYU
• La Verne
• MAYBE Loyola New Orleans. Their MPA program is also a JD program.
• LSU (added post-publishing, thanks to Sister Sant)
• Memphis 
• (If I go east, I have to go South. I'm not sure why.)
• UCI
• Cal State Fullerton

But who knows. Maybe I'll change my mind again and that will open a whole new range of options.

And that's just what's coming up later. What do I even do about the news that my internship, while still happening, will not be paid, and that any job I get while doing my internship will have to be approved by my teacher? And then how do I make time (or pay for) the 10 credits of online classes I'll be taking this summer? 

Now here's the cool part.

Yesterday as I began to process all of this information and worry about it, I opened up my scriptures to where my bookmark would have me read next--the Liberty Jail sections of Doctrine & Covenants. (For those not acquainted with LDS church history or scripture, look here.) Let me tell you, reading those words brought comfort and a reassurance that everything will work out somehow.

And it is going to be fantastic.

Fine, I'm Going to Complain A Little.

This week was STRESSFUL, complete with drama, dented cars, and 45 hours of work between two jobs. It's been a good weekend, but I'm still exhausted and aching. So I found little ways to keep myself together, because this summer is starting to feel like last summer, and that is the last thing I want in all the world. 

I bought myself sunflowers because they were on sale.

A little bit of ibuprofen. 

Too much TV.

A trip to Victoria Gardens with our exchange students.

Lots and lots of prayer. That's the main one right there, because Heaven knows that I haven't yet learned how to handle stress well, and I cannot do it by myself. 

And to make up for the complaints, I will count my blessings.

No one was hurt in the car accident.

I only cried once, and that was just over a false alarm.

I still have family and friends who love me.

HelloGiggles exists.

I bought my textbooks and I want to read them this summer to make Fall semester easier.

I only work 39 hours this week, and not at Baskin-Robbins until Wednesday. 

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY.

Big Dreams

Someday...

They'll figure out that poker isn't a sport and they'll stop showing it on ESPN.

I'll have more guy friends that aren't married, gay, on missions, etc.

I will live somewhere where I can have a cat.

I won't be cold all the time.

Replacement Words

Once upon a time, I was an angry punk kid with a sailor mouth. Over time, I realized that foul language wasn't as mature or funny as I thought, so I started using other phrases. (I was still an angry punk kid, mind you.) I'm not angry anymore, but I still use some of my innocuous "replacement words."My mom hates them. They start with the same first letter, so they're naturally equivalent in every way. 

But hey, at least I'm not going around calling people "Nintendos."

Okay, I haven't been completely honest about my summer.

I loved my job. I really did. But spending so much time by myself and my inability to handle stress  made me feel awful. I was doing great at work, but I still felt like I was failing, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it. That's when I got my sunburn. It didn't help the depression. Nope. Made it worse. I got behind and my body couldn't keep up with my brain or my to-do list. and my stress kept going up and up. It was a minor miracle I got out of bed and went to work every morning. A bigger one when I got caught up or made it through the day without crying. I moved back in with my parents about a month after the scary thoughts started.  But I didn't feel any better. I started getting up earlier to work longer hours, but I could never keep up. I was still alone. I stopped eating. My work got worse and the pressure kept building. I never told anyone but my dad what was really going on because I was ashamed. I thought it was pathetic that I couldn't keep up because I was stressed and sad. I thought that I should have been stronger than that, you know? I still don't think it's a good excuse.

Now that my workweek is under 50 hours and I have roommates again, I'm doing a lot better. I really am.  And you know? This summer really was a blessing to me. I earned enough money to pay for my own school this semester. I made good friends in an amazing ward. I got to know my Savior better. Hopefully, I grew up a little bit.

More Lists

Mistakes I've Made So Far Today

• Sleeping in.

• Trying to uninstall/reinstall Chrome, hoping it would solve all the problems I've been having with it.

•  Not wearing gloves.

• Going to the Crossroads at 12:30.

Things I'd Rather Be Doing (As opposed to what I am doing)

• Reading. I've got Green Lantern comics, Jesus the Christ, Mansfield Park waiting for me at home. (I have reading to do for American Foundations and International Relations.)

• Sitting on the couch with a blanket and hot herb tea, watching the lovely gray day. (I'm doing homework in the library.)
• Family history research--I think I've finally found the elusive Barkowskis. (I'm "actively listening" and writing down what I hear on the radio for a mini-project.)
• Going to California. (It's supposed to snow tomorrow.)

Things I Should Be Doing (And Why)

• Not complaining. (I go to an awesome school, I have good teachers, I have friends and roommates that love me, I have a family who supports me, the temple's a ten minute walk away, and I live in the United States of America. Oh, and there's brownie batter waiting for me at home.)
• Getting back to work (I have a bit to do today.)

But You Can't Always Plan These Things, Can You?

Sometimes I'm just absolutely sure that "Plan B" is just a shortened form of "Plan Brooke."

I've been Plan B a few times too many. I sort of understand. It's kind of logical to have a Plan B. I have a Plan C. (It was C's idea.) But it's no fun to be Plan B, especially when Plan A is hanging by a thread one day and working out just great the next.

Almost exactly a year ago I was on a charter bus from Newark to New York City when I learned that I wasn't even anywhere near Plan B status to someone I cared a lot about. To him, I was dirt. Maybe it had been different before, but he had changed. When we got to the city, right at what was probably the most vulnerable moment of my life, someone else pulled me from the depths of heartbreak and an inability to ice skate. It doesn't really matter whether I was Plan B or Plan NYC,  it still sucked. A lot.

But what can you do? You never really get used to being Plan B, but initial recovery time shortens with every incident. And eventually "Plan Brooke" and "Plan B" won't be the same thing. It's all just a matter of time.

(I also had a really good picture to go with this, but it's on my parent's computer. Note to self--have a flash drive handy next time you sit down in front of Mom and Dad's computer.)

"But I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout Love."

I've been sick all weekend. I should have known on Friday night when I fell asleep during the movie. I never fall asleep during movies! (Though I was awake long enough to learn that my brown eyes would be about as welcome in Middle Earth as they would be in Hitler's ideal world. EVERYONE in Lord of the Rings has blue eyes.) But it didn't really hit until yesterday. Today I couldn't even go to church. This is more as a disclaimer than anything else. Any of the following could  be the NyQuil talking.

Valentine's isn't for a week, but today I'm going to talk about love. The topic really came to my mind this week when I learned that a very very young friend of mine fancies himself in love. I laughed. Romeo and Juliet were in love at his age, now weren't they?

There's more to being in love than Hollywood or the book publishers would have you think. It's more than butterflies and late night conversations. It takes work and the understanding that the hormones will eventually stop raging. And knowing what to do after that. It's better than butterflies. And it takes time to get it right.

I do know where my very very young friend is coming from. It's just that the one time I really thought I was in love with someone, it didn't turn out well at all. 

Because I can't tell you from experience what being in love really is yet. I've got time to figure that all out.

"I have a Fifth Sense. It's like I have ESPN or Something."

You know what I don't understand? Girls.

Not the way my brother Dallin* doesn't understand them. More like the way Lindsay Lohan doesn't understand them at the beginning of Mean Girls. I grew up with all brothers and mostly guy cousins and lots of guy friends and smart girlfriends. I can only think of two major instances of drama since 7th grade--one caused by a crazy "friend" and the other by a mom who jumped to her own conclusions about my motives. I did my best to handle it maturely and things were worked out in a timely manner. But I've recently become aware of some sort of secret girl code involving the rules of drama and crap like that. And apparently I've broken some recently.

Personally, I think it's pretty much the dumbest thing in the world. That whole culture is based on the assumption that every other girl is a petty slut. I'm glad I don't speak Girl. I'd rather speak Woman. Or Audrey Hepburn.

*A worse sister would include a picture from his first date last month. But that's Mom's job.

ATTENTION

My life is generally a drama-free zone. When y'all have YOUR drama, I will remain neutral under all but the most dire circumstances. Especially since more often than not, everyone involved is at fault.

I've done this before and I'm prepared to do it again. Go ahead and vent. I'll listen. But don't expect me to take your side. I'm everyone's friend.