Big Steps

This is my excited face. 

I had my last counseling appointment! 

At least I think I did. I'll schedule another one this semester if I need one. 

I've come a long way since September. Here's to many, many years staying on this good track. 

On Suddenly Having No Plan

Okay, so y'all are nosy and want to know about my hard times. I change what I want to do for the rest of my childless life all the time. After my most recent idea (history/civics teacher, then school administrator) lost its savor, there was nothing that replaced it. There still hasn't.

 This has me in a bit of a panic. I know lots of things that I don't want to do--like work in a quiet office, run my own business from home, or work  for someone who thinks I should devote my whole life to my job. I love my studies, but the incivility of "actual" politics makes me so sad and angry and uncomfortable, so that might not be much of an option, either.

I was really upset about not having a plan. I thrive on making plans and lists so that I know what to to do. But now I don't and that lack stressed me out to the point of anxiety. I couldn't even go to the temple about it because I started crying before I could even get on the freeway and had to turn around before I got into an accident. But I've come to understand in the past few days that right now, it's okay to only have a plan for the next three years (graduate next year, then serve a mission). It really is. Apparently it's okay to not have your life figured out at almost 21. I'm still having a hard time internalizing it, but it'll all be okay, and I'll know what to do when I need to do it. I just know it.                                                                                  

He is Not Ashamed.

I love arguing and debating...but I will never start one about things that are really important to me. I only ever really talked about Proposition 8 two and a half years ago on this blog (sort of) and with those who brought up with me. And I was terrified. I know in my bones that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God," but usually I'm talking to atheists about it. My argument is completely invalid to them and I can't win. 

(photo by Jill Rich Photography)

My brother John is not that way at all, and he is my Hero of the Day because of it. He's outspoken on the topic in the best way possible. He does not go looking to alienate anyone, but he will bring it up when he feels moved to. He is not ashamed. Today I watched him hold his own against two or three of his friends on Facebook. I did jump into the conversation to try and even things out some, and I think we made a good case together.

I was supposed to watch this for my journalism class a while back, but I didn't get to it today. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in religious freedom.

If you could send this back to Valentine's 2009, I'd be much obliged.

Dear Brooke,

Good for you for telling that guy you had work today instead of letting him take you to a movie. You're right about him.

But don't think that means you're out of the woods yet. Prince Charming isn't going to be at high school because Prince Charming is, well, a man. You go to school with little boys. Even at college--I'll let you be surprised at which one you end up at--there will still be plenty of boys. Also, it turns out it's not common for a guy to be 6-foot-anything outside of California, so don't get hung up on appearances. Not that you do, but just keep it in mind.

Just be patient. Seriously. No one likes a bitter teenager.

You are onto something with that boy you like now, though. He's definitely your type, but it has nothing to do with his race, I promise you. Leave him be because he probably does drugs, but keep that type in mind.

Happy Valentines Day, do something fun!

Love,
Brooke

The Skin Chronicles

I grew up with a firm belief in my own beauty. I remember being asked to sum myself up in two words in 1st, maybe 2nd grade. I chose "smart" and "pretty." When I was nine, I began to break out. I didn't notice. I knew that acne was just what comes with adolescence. My mom bought me a lot of products to try to help, and I thought they worked okay. I knew that acne was just what comes with adolescence. I had no clue why it was such a big deal or why my doctor started prescribing stronger stuff. I really, truly did not understand how bad it was. 

2006

It got to the point where we had to bring out the referral papers and I started seeing a dermatologist. I went on Accutane in late 2006. When my skin started to clear, I realised how bad it had been before. 

2006 (photo by Jill Rich Photography)

2007

Then I  knew I was pretty.

About a six months after my last dose of Accutane, I began to break out again. I went through the same process all over again, complete with another six months of Accutane. It was harder this time around because I knew what I was "supposed" to look like. 

2008

My acne left a little more scarring this time around, and it didn't stay perfect for as long. But it's never gotten as bad since.

2009 

(Dang, I look like my mom here!)

Now I deal with adult acne by actually taking care of myself. (Ya hear that? I'm an adult.) This works pretty well. I'm also going to try a DIY egg white mask I saw on the internet. I don't even know if I'm going to post this. But I do know what even with my less-than-perfect skin, I'm still pretty.

July 2010

Lessons I Learned (or Re-Learned) This Summer

1. When there's a job to do, get it done. 
2. That said, it's still crucial to eat three meals a day and get more than 4 hours of sleep a night. Even when you think you're too stressed out to do either.
3. Crying is not a sign of weakness.
4. You don't need a whole lot of things. They cost money.
5. Singles wards are going to have their awkward moments. Embrace them--they'll be great stories to tell later.
6. Handle situations like a mature adult. 
7. Living alone isn't that great.
8. Daydreaming about the impossible is fine as long as you can understand and accept the impossibility.
9. The Atonement isn't just for sins, but for sickness, sorrow, and pain.
10. For the love of all that's holy, wear sunscreen.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice, You Know...

Remember this list? This great list of things I wanted to do this summer? Out of the nine specifics, I've done three. Only three more are plausible. (Seriously, $15 just to PARK at Disneyland? No thanks.) But I believe I've done generally awesome things, too.

picture by jill rich

Like get to know these fabulous ladies better. You guys all know Seraphine by now, but her mom, Sabrina, has become a really close friend. We can get together and just talk for hours on end. I don't know how I would have survived the summer without her. 

Ohmygoodnessilovethepeopleinmywardtheyaresoawesome. 'Nough said.

Running a business almost on my own has been one of the hardest and most stressful things of my life. But I've learned a lot from it and it's paying for school.

In short, I have three weeks left of my summer. I'm going to make an adventure of it. 

I know you're all just terribly excited to see what I've done with my hair. Because I am just so awesome and everything I do is important. I have no good pictures of it yet. But I will tell you that I completely disregarded the overwhelming majority of you and went blonde. And I like it. I was blonde as a child and it still works.

The sad thing is that I put that before the news of my birthday! I turned 19 last Thursday. I didn't too anything too big--worked all day, then had dinner and cupcakes with my family after.

Uhhh, that's all. Bye.

Things You Probably Already Knew But I'm Going to Tell You Anyway.

1. The new blog name comes from a rarely used nickname of mine: Batgirl. My initials are BAT, so it's all logic from there.

2. I am not  a natural redhead.

February 2006, a few months before I dyed it for the first time.

But I like to play with it.

This is me as of today. It looks brown in this picture, but it's actually more like this.

3. I've always hated USC.

4. This is the first year I haven't gone to Girls Camp since 2002. And I'm okay with that.

5. I know more about how elections work than the 35-ish looking guy I saw at the polling place last week. (I voted for the first time. :D ) He was registered Democrat and asked the little old polling lady why Meg Whitman wasn't on his ballot. I stayed quiet while the LOPL gave a poor explanation of primaries, which probably led him to believe that this is the only time you can vote for governor. Poor guy. Well, since Whitman won the Republican primary (take that, Dad!) he can vote for her in November (unless he likes Jerry Brown better.)

The Pros and Cons of Living Alone

 Pro:

• I'm not very likely to have psycho roommates. (Never had one before, but it's always a concern.)
• I can make up embarrassing choreography to Lady Gaga songs without being judged. 
• I can listen to and appreciate Lady Gaga music without being judged.
• I don't have to consider anyone else's preferences, allergies, or schedule when making meals.
•  The only people who around the house are people I invited and therefore want to be there.
• I don't have to share a bathroom.
  

Con:

• I have to go out of my way for human interaction. (Because putting it that way doesn't make me sound like a jerk.) 

Baby, I Can Drive Your Car!

At nearly nineteen years old, I can finally function normally in adult society. Not because I registered to vote two weeks ago, but because I can legally operate a car by myself. Took me long enough, but I got it done. Huzzah.

By You, I Mean Me.

 

image via 

 

Have you ever had one of those days that drugs you up, knocks you down, and sticks big needles in your arm? You know, those days when your hair won't do anything and staying awake is a struggle and your plans all fall apart?

(Okay, I went out of my way for the needle, but the fact that I'm still bleeding seven hours later is a sign that the world needs better phlebotomists. I volunteer myself.)

But the thing to do about those days is to:

1. Belt out any old 80s song that comes to mind (Livin' On a Prayer, Alone, and Love is a Battlefield all work very well). 

2. Call your best friends in California because it's the next best thing to a real hug from some people you're incredibly lucky to have the privilege of knowing.

3. Go on an adventure with your roommates because you're out of shampoo and your roots are starting to show. You might not be able to find the right brand of hair dye, but that pot of daffodils is even better. They're a celebration of Spring!

4. Read a TON. Read scriptures, read good novels, read the textbook assignment for class tomorrow. 

5. Try something new, crazy, and potentially harmful. You might discover that your computer screen can double as a dry erase board.

Because you know what? Just because things aren't going your way today doesn't mean that this is gonna be forever. Crap like this may have happened before and it might happen again, but you can totally handle it without becoming a madwoman. Maybe you can even handle it with a little maturity and grace.  It's all for the best. And just think--it could be worse! What if you had the ability to feel awkward? Adding awkward to all the other weird going on would have been far too overwhelming. So maybe today wasn't so bad. It was just flippin' weird. But that's okay because you're kind of flippin' weird too.

But You Can't Always Plan These Things, Can You?

Sometimes I'm just absolutely sure that "Plan B" is just a shortened form of "Plan Brooke."

I've been Plan B a few times too many. I sort of understand. It's kind of logical to have a Plan B. I have a Plan C. (It was C's idea.) But it's no fun to be Plan B, especially when Plan A is hanging by a thread one day and working out just great the next.

Almost exactly a year ago I was on a charter bus from Newark to New York City when I learned that I wasn't even anywhere near Plan B status to someone I cared a lot about. To him, I was dirt. Maybe it had been different before, but he had changed. When we got to the city, right at what was probably the most vulnerable moment of my life, someone else pulled me from the depths of heartbreak and an inability to ice skate. It doesn't really matter whether I was Plan B or Plan NYC,  it still sucked. A lot.

But what can you do? You never really get used to being Plan B, but initial recovery time shortens with every incident. And eventually "Plan Brooke" and "Plan B" won't be the same thing. It's all just a matter of time.

(I also had a really good picture to go with this, but it's on my parent's computer. Note to self--have a flash drive handy next time you sit down in front of Mom and Dad's computer.)

Actually, I Just Hate to Go Up Stairs Slowly.

I never thought it was possible, but I may have run out of things to say for the time being.

I've got a lot on my mind, just not anything I can publish.

I'm just cold. So you guys get this today.



Okay, and maybe some thoughts on homesickness. (Okay, so I really never run out of things to say.) I don't think I've ever really been homesick. Occasionally I miss certain people (except I miss Minnie all the time), or going certain places, but I've never just ached to be back in California. Even when I went to Italy when I was 15, I only missed my mom, Dallin and Minnie a little bit. (Sorry, rest of the family. You know how I was at that age.)

But I do miss the way things were sometimes. A lot of my friends are going on missions and getting married and having babies and it's just weird. Not gonna lie, I'm kind of terrified to grow up. It's like I have this enormous canvas and some oil paints in front of me. I have a basic idea of what I want to paint, but what if I choose the wrong colors or designs or I accidentally punch a hole in it? It's daunting. I hate getting things wrong.

image via

But of course, being scared of the future won't make it go away. All you can do is be prepared. (And "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear," right?)

Side note to the curious: The title of this post is part of one of the other things on my mind. Don't read too much into it.

"But I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout Love."

I've been sick all weekend. I should have known on Friday night when I fell asleep during the movie. I never fall asleep during movies! (Though I was awake long enough to learn that my brown eyes would be about as welcome in Middle Earth as they would be in Hitler's ideal world. EVERYONE in Lord of the Rings has blue eyes.) But it didn't really hit until yesterday. Today I couldn't even go to church. This is more as a disclaimer than anything else. Any of the following could  be the NyQuil talking.

Valentine's isn't for a week, but today I'm going to talk about love. The topic really came to my mind this week when I learned that a very very young friend of mine fancies himself in love. I laughed. Romeo and Juliet were in love at his age, now weren't they?

There's more to being in love than Hollywood or the book publishers would have you think. It's more than butterflies and late night conversations. It takes work and the understanding that the hormones will eventually stop raging. And knowing what to do after that. It's better than butterflies. And it takes time to get it right.

I do know where my very very young friend is coming from. It's just that the one time I really thought I was in love with someone, it didn't turn out well at all. 

Because I can't tell you from experience what being in love really is yet. I've got time to figure that all out.

The Story of the Sapphire Ring

I was going to write about names and my strange fascination with them, but I felt like that should be another post on another day. Instead I feel I should tell y'all about something very near and dear to me.

Something you should know about jewelry--rings are special. Most other jewelry is just for decoration, an accessory. Rings are promises, reminders. (Think about it--wedding bands, CTR rings, etc.)

This is my sapphire ring.

I was sixteen. I was having a really hard time at school and with friends and at my new job. Nothing seemed to be going my way and I just plain didn't like myself. I wasn't happy at all. I was up in Utah for my cousin's baptism and my grandma noticed the changes in me.

The last day I was there she took me aside before church and gave me the sapphire ring. She said it was supposed to be for my eighteenth birthday, but felt inspired to give to me then. She talked about President Hinckley's challenge to "stand a little taller." She offered me a similar challenge--to love a little more, and to start with myself.

I've worn that ring pretty much every day since then. I only take it off for work, the temple, and sleep. I'm still working on "loving a little more" but the effort so far has turned my life around. It's a major blessing to have that reminder on hand.

What's your reminder?

Songs to Sum Up 2009

"We don't live in a in a single song. We move from song to song, from lyric to lyric, from chord to chord. There is no ending here. It's an infinite playlist." ~David Levithan in Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

Heroes and Thieves--Vanessa Carlton
Empire State of Mind--Jay-Z
"Coronation" Mass in C K.317--Mozart
Gravity--Sara Bareilles
Larger Than Life--Backstreet Boys
Magic--University of Chicago's Voices in Your Head
White Houses--Vanessa Carlton
I've Just Seen a Face--The Beatles
In-N-Out (Animal Style)--We the Kings
Home--Vanessa Carlton

Little Hypocrisies (And Some Big Ones)

This post is a bunch of confessions. You've been warned.

"A girl needs to have SOME glaring contradictions in her life."

~Hannelore from "Questionable Content"

I like to say I'm honest, but I also want to be a politician someday. And yesterday I illegally downloaded "Mozart L'Opéra Rock" after iTunes France wouldn't let me buy it.

I like to say that I'll sleep when I'm dead or that sleep is for the weak, but I'm so tired all the time.

I like to say I'm a good person, but I did my visiting teaching for the first time today, with three days left in the semester.

I like to say I'm mature, but Mr. Roosevelt came with me to college.

I like to say it's only cold if you can see your breath, but I start to shiver when it's colder than 50º F.

I claim to aspire to Audrey Hepburn-status classiness, but I'm known around UHS for my racist jokes.

I eat nothing but junk food but weigh 119.

I do less work and have a higher GPA here than I did in high school.

I don't believe in love at first sight, but my favorite song by The Beatles is "I've Just Seen a Face."

ATTENTION

My life is generally a drama-free zone. When y'all have YOUR drama, I will remain neutral under all but the most dire circumstances. Especially since more often than not, everyone involved is at fault.

I've done this before and I'm prepared to do it again. Go ahead and vent. I'll listen. But don't expect me to take your side. I'm everyone's friend.

In this post, I will be an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a cardigan

This is uncharted territory for me. I like it.